You are my weakness and why I stay strong
Kategori: Allmänt
I've noticed something about myself that I've never thought about before..
Ever since I was about 13-14 years old my biggest focus has been my carrier, my music, my job. I've been balansing school, family, friends and my carrier. I have been aware of that I have to sacrifice some things, like time with my friends to be able to use my time for work, a choice I made on my own. Honestly, I think it has been like that since I got bullied in my younger years, I stopped caring about the social part of my private life because I was scared, because I did'nt know how to make friends and keep them. It has been a game that I have not been interested in being a part of. Thinking about boys.. Well yes, I daydreamed about celebrity-boys but the thought that a boy would even look my way and even worse, fall in LOVE with me was to ridiculous to think.
And like this it has been.
Until last Christmas. All of the sudden someone jumped into my life, someone who would'nt let me hide behind the wall that I so carefully built to protect me from having feelings, from being vulnerable. He challenged me and questioned my way of thinking. He showed me such respect and foughtfulness.
I reacted like any normal human being.
I got terrified.
I think I have done everything in my power to push him away, to make him understand how weird and worthless I am. Yet, he stands there and keeps taking care of me, helps me evolve and challenges me to become a better person.
To get to the thing I realised; I now understand how bad I am at being a Private person with people who are close to me who are not apart of my closest family. I never learned how it was to be 'real' with someone when I was a kid. It was all lies and talking shit back then and I fleed into the Artist Jill, hid myself in my work and my music because it is pure and true. There, I have no problems being social or real.
With being social in my private life I have three bigger problems;
1. I feel like Im in the way for people around me. I feel like a problem, like an inconvenience.
2. It feels like what I do or say is wrong,
3. I don't dare to tell people what I want because Im afraid what I want is 'wrong'.
My boyfriend pushes me incredibly much on these points, aspecially the last one. But sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself for not being 'better' at this and for creating unnessacary situations for myself and for others..
They say the first step to becoming better is realising you have a problem. Now I can start evolving even more with some help from the amazing people around me.
I am more motivated than ever to fulfilling my dream and to try new things to get to where I wanna be and I have so many exciting projects and cooperations and soon I will tell you about them. Til then I will keep practicing, enjoying and fighting!